oh i'm sorry, i forgot that giving money to other people that won't ever do shit for you is more important than taking care of your own daughter's needs.

i asked you for this shit a month ago, you've gotten your paycheck at least twice.

what the fuck am i supposed to do?

i've been busting my balls with anxiety over something that you can't even give me.

bullshit. i've had to deal with things like this since i was little. i should be used to it by now.

STOP EATING.

i want to be a poet.

an author

a writer

a musician

an expresser of thoughts.

i want to pull inspiration from anything and everything.

the smallest things will create my greatest works of art.

i dream a lot.

i wish a lot.

i want so many things.

at the moment, i don't have much.

just an idea.

i want the clouds to be my home.

with my 50 foot ceilings

and my dome tent

i want to live inside my mind

i have too many fears

and i am lost in them too deep to even think

to move and do

i don't talk to myself enough

i need to move forward and run towards what i want and need most

i want a beautiful life

with beautiful people

and talks

and voices

and sounds

i want to be content within my walls

within this skin

worry will be beyond me

nirvana, please wait for me.

i don't need anymore stress. none of this shit would've never happened if you had been the father you were supposed to be. either this is just the result of having a dumbass kid or rebellion gone wrong. either way, i can't handle it. i already have all this shit going on with school, and you're always breathing down my neck to get me to do perfect. i just can't do this shit anymore. i need to get out of this house and away from all this. fuck it, you guys can all just kill yourselves with your problems but i'm not gonna do it. it's only me and that's the end of it.

nostalgia.

i remember staring out the window of the bus.

and he was too, on another bus.

they crossed each other, and there was a brief moment of staring.

and then he smiled and laughed and i did the same in return.

i really miss him.

it's memories like these that lead me to believe that he really

was my friend. and my tears weren't just some form of wanting attention.

xox.

-a.

you are my sunshine.

whenever i listen to this, it brings back memories of driving to big top with a car full of friends.

i think that was when 'you are my sunshine' just came out.

i really miss those times. when i had a circle of inseparable friends.

but now we've all just gone our separate ways.

i would love to go back, but the people i use to know are so different now.

a lot of things are different. i guess i'm still getting use to it.

but for now, this album will be my portal to old memories.

best ever.

don't ever lose touch.

so today, my mom talked to her brother on the phone. it's insane to me. i know nothing about anyone on my mom's side. after my family moved to america, we lost all communication. numbers, locations, birthdays; fuck, just everything. i don't even know the names of my mom's brothers and sisters. i've never met them either. sunhee is over in korea right now, and she helped my mom to somehow get my uncle's number. wow, that's so fucking weird. i've only been able to imagine having one uncle, when in fact, i have about 5 or maybe even a few more. my mom was also informed that her mother died a year and 4 months ago. it's really sad how she didn't get to attend to funeral and even know about it. i don't know about you, but i'd hate to miss someone's funeral. but either way, she was really happy that she finally got to talk to him. life is so insane. it's been, what, 20 years without communication? and everything just came back into place with the press of a button. but i've come to realize, that not everyone has this type of luck. not everyone is fortunate enough to be 'reunited' with people they've forgotten. and because of this, i don't ever want to lose touch with the people that matter most. when i'm older and moving about, i know no one is going to follow me. but that doesn't mean i want to just drop whoever has been true to me and replace them. nope. i really love the people that are in my life. i hope that they'll always be there. i refuse to let anyone slip away that shouldn't have. never again.

ANYWAY, i'm really craving triple chunk brownies and chocolate chip cookies. i hope i can bake this week. haha.

also,

i've been listening to a lot of songs from my elementary days. ya know, just being nostalgic... or maybe i'm just afraid to listen to newer stuff because i don't know the words >.> but as i was saying, i've been listening to some old stuff, and i came across this cover. i was expecting a deeper voice, and then he pulled a fucking tom delonge on me. but i really love this song, so posttttt to make this blog long as fuck.

hi, my name is ashley and so far, only extremely desperate/persistent guys are attracted to me.

i'm going to be a eunuch. praise da lawd.

oh and also, i think i'm going to drop kick one of my teachers. or whoever the fuck set up my schedule. i'm tired of this ap track shit. i'd rather have intensive reading with a bunch of dumb ass kids. which is saying a lot.

xox.

-a.

i find it easier to be blunt with myself. i feel better about things when i am. no false dreams or things to look forward to. i can just focus on what's going on now. i enjoy that.

i've been listening to a lot of middle school/elementary songs. i really miss sugarcult and all that insane stuff that i listened to when i was 10. i'm also getting interested in a lot of folkish/indie stuff. lots of female vocals. i kinda dig it. there isn't much to say. i think i'm slowly getting back into doing everything for school... when it's supposed to be done. i just wanna get out as fast as possible, doing the best that i can. then i'm off. i can only hope for the best. but i'm trying not to think about all of that. at the moment, i don't think my future is very stable. and thinking about it is only going to fuck up my mind and mood. i'm hoping to start stretching my ears again within the next week or so. i miss my lobeys. i look weird without them. ah that's about it.

xox.

-a.

that's it.

i cannot wait to get out of this fucking house.

i don't need you.

i think i've made the decision to not go through with college. it's a lot of money, and it's money that i don't have. my dad's been saving for a long time, but i refuse to get any help from him. i don't want it at all. even now, years later, my dad still talks about how he wasted 6 grand on my brothers for school. he calls them constantly, expecting them to lend him money when he needs it. seriously? it's so ridiculous. they owe him absolutely nothing. i think they fell into the same pressure that i've felt. always coming home to hear about how we need our education and blah blah blah. it's the point where i feel i have no control of my life at all. i don't want to keep contact with him when i get out. he's always leaving messages to robert, telling him to call. honestly, he doesn't need to call you just to tell you how he's doing. if he wanted to, he would. if i were him, i'd change my damn number. i owe my father absolutely nothing. he may have provided me with shelter and food, but i'd be better off getting that somewhere else. there is no such thing as freedom here. i'm realizing that. after hearing all my friends talk about hanging out and whatnot, i realized i can't do any of those things. i have restrictions. i'm being treated like a fucking criminal when i've done nothing wrong. i'm so sick of it. so fucking sick.

breathe.

today has been, i guess, easy for me. no pressure from school. the work wasn't a challenge, not that it ever was. i haven't done my homework, but its so simple. i'd rather do it in the morning.

and i'm not stressing out about it. i just feel good. at peace. maybe it's just because i'm listening to afx, haha. not sure, but it doesn't make a difference. i just feel content.

i haven't thought about much today. thinking tends to happen when i'm upset. so i guess that makes me, un-upset. :) but i have been thinking about school though. even though i detest the idea of learning beyond high school, i have considered it. but i don't know. there is nothing in my heart that attracts the idea of college to me. but who knows, maybe whatever i want to happen, won't. and i'll go to college and become something totally different. i'm not sure. what i do know is, that i haven't made a clear decision. though my heart and mind are siding with the west coast, it might not remain the same in a few years. i wish my dad would stop telling me to prepare now. he's acting as though i'm not allowed to do anything but read and study. i would gladly kick him in the face if given the chance to. i hate being pressured to be and do something that i'm not completely comfortable with. i don't like how he compares me to some cousin that i don't even know. just because she's planning ahead to do whatever, doesn't mean i have to. i honestly believe that maybe i'd be more active in school and what not if he didn't bother me so much about it. rebellion is my favorite game. i hate doing good things and having him think i only did them just because he mentioned it. my decisions are mine alone. everything he says, i've already decided upon. i'm not stupid. nor have i ever acted like i was. i am not influenced by anything but myself. i wish i could shove that idea up his ass so he would get it. anyway, i need to stop worrying about him. but the time i'm out of this house, i'll be bald.

bleh. i'm also being faced with problems among my friends. none of them like one of my best friends. and its only because of the way she dresses. its ridiculous. i didn't eat lunch with them because i was with her. i wish everyone would just accept each other. i don't wanna be some kid in a clique. i enjoy the fact that i have a diverse selection of people to talk to. i just wish they all could just see each other as souls. they're all the same. but whatever. i'm trying not to care so much. i just hate having to choose between who i can sit by and who i can't talk to and blah blah blah. high school is ridiculous. when i'm on my own, i'm going to make sure i can count all my friends on one hand. i want them to be real and close. yeah.

that's about it.

xox.

-a.

consecutive.

i've had this urge to start blogging daily. just about everything that's going on in my mind.

i just didn't know where to. i was hoping there was some crazy amazing site that i could

make an account on, but there isn't one that i haven't heard of... yet. i was thinking about using

this, but i wasn't sure. but i have been neglecting this site a bit. and i'm sure i'm the only one

actually looking at it, so why not?

hmmmm where to start? at the moment, i can't think of anything witty or interesting to say to open this. i'll just be blunt. so it is now the 30th of august. and i've officially been attending school for a week. it's been okay. i'm finding that lately, i've been feeling very awkward. i feel like everyone's eyes are on me. though i'm certain that they're not. but i can't help but be stiff and seem uncaring so no one can make an opinion about me; ya know, if they happen to look my way. honestly, i'm really dreading school. its not fun. i mean, i've never looked at school as some kind of adventure, but i expect it to have some life to it. my classes are pretty simple. there's challenges, yes. but that's because of my lack of motivation. i bet if i started to do my work, i wouldn't feel like i had to try so hard. but besides that, i don't really have any friends in my classes. its really starting to dawn on me how i honestly have no friends my own age. sure, there's a few kids in my grade that i get along with exceptionally well, but i see them only so many times a day. the rest of my classes are spent, looking in one spot, hoping that it doesn't look like i'm staring at anyone. i hate having to constantly search for a spot to look at, without having to see someone's face in the way. no one's making an effort to befriend me, and honestly, i don't think i'm up for making friends. i have older friends. ones that are on their way to graduating. but i only see them at lunch. and lunch is a measly 30 minutes. and even then, i feel a bit distant. everyone is engaged in their conversation. i throw in a few comments, but most of the time, i find myself just listening and laughing so it seems like i'm apart of the group. but its just awkward. i feel annoying trying to talk to them. as if they don't want to talk to me, but they're just tolerating my presence. i know that probably isn't true, but that's how i feel the majority of the time. i always feel like nobody likes me, they're only pretending to because they're too afraid to just drop me. maybe i'm just being stupid, i don't know. right now, there's only 2 people in my life that i can fully trust and can honestly say, like me. but for some reason, i just feel more confident with the group. they're looked upon as, i guess you could say, the unique/popular kids. when i'm with them, i feel like people aren't judging me, but wishing to talk to me. ha, talk about conceited. but eh. when i'm with the 2 loyal people, i feel comfortable, but i can't help but feel like people are talking shit. ugh, but whatever. hopefully, things will get better later in the year. right now, i'm just awkward and confused.

there's a lot of things on my mind. i wish it were still summer so i'd have time to think things through and feel at peace. but now that school has started, i feel rushed. like there's always something expected out of me. i really just need to stop being lazy and do my work. i need to stop worrying about everyone else's eyes. i need to get my shit straight.

i've been so stressed about everything. my dad is constantly getting on my nerves. i swear, the next time he mentions college, i'm going to flip my shit and karate chop his ass. i can't see myself going to college. there are other things that i want to do, but i don't have the courage to tell my dad so. after all this talk, i'm pretty sure he won't approve. i'm not gonna lie, i'm pretty scared. i'm afraid that i won't ever say anything. that i'll end up going to college and wasting my time to become something that i'm not fully interested in. i don't know how this is all going to work out. i can't just get up and leave once i get my diploma. i can't just not fill out the applications my dad's going to be throwing at me, without saying anything. as much as i want to just get up and leave, i don't know if i can. i'm always depending on other people to do things for me. i can't even set up appointments to the fucking hair dresser. i can't do a lot of things alone. but we'll see where things take me in the future. for now, i think i'll just worry my ass off.

xox.

-a.

empty fingers. just air.

skin is wetter in my mind

than it is in my eyes

the road is slippery

but my tiny feet will not fall under it.

though i convinced myself to believe it.

there is filth in my veins,

my young wrinkles

susuwatari have not slipped through the door

self-inflicted black dust

clouds precipitated dirt

and with willing fingers

i caught them

absorbed into my pores

eradicate such pollution

but i grip

and cannot let go.

stuck to me like honey

i sipped the sweet nectar

and felt no regret.

i'm a fucking mess.

leaving the jounal in the draw.

flashed with golden lights and sounds

i can only envision and pretend

her sweet milky skin

against his soft glowing skin

heart upon heart

and they are beautiful

praying to the stars to be in her shell

envious and ashamed

the burning sting is undeniable

and only they feel it.

when the sky darkens

i float to a place

where i feel her ghosts

their ghosts

convincing myself that the steam is cool enough to touch

it is misty fog and i am unafraid

but i know my fingers are red

and nothing but my slumber can soothe it.

only time can heal it.

what is meant to happen

will happen.

I'm a very sad person.

But no one knows.

Mindset.

and sometimes, i'd like to think i'm something great.

something wonderful. and internally beautiful.

but what am i really?

how many people pretend to like me when they really hate me?

how many people think i'm fake, bitchy, negative?

i don't know.

but i often feel that i have no friends.

everyone only pretends to like me.

and because of that idea,

i'm always trying to outdo myself.

trying to make myself up to be something more.

and when i finally am myself around people.

i feel annoying. like they don't want to be around me. but they're

too afraid of offending me.

how many real friends do i actually have?

that like me for who i am and see me as a person that can learn from

and enjoy.

i don't know.

coma.

awaking from the sunken bed

slowly missing the sweet soft slumberz i once enjoyed

but having my eyes open feels so much lighter.