consecutive.

i've had this urge to start blogging daily. just about everything that's going on in my mind.

i just didn't know where to. i was hoping there was some crazy amazing site that i could

make an account on, but there isn't one that i haven't heard of... yet. i was thinking about using

this, but i wasn't sure. but i have been neglecting this site a bit. and i'm sure i'm the only one

actually looking at it, so why not?

hmmmm where to start? at the moment, i can't think of anything witty or interesting to say to open this. i'll just be blunt. so it is now the 30th of august. and i've officially been attending school for a week. it's been okay. i'm finding that lately, i've been feeling very awkward. i feel like everyone's eyes are on me. though i'm certain that they're not. but i can't help but be stiff and seem uncaring so no one can make an opinion about me; ya know, if they happen to look my way. honestly, i'm really dreading school. its not fun. i mean, i've never looked at school as some kind of adventure, but i expect it to have some life to it. my classes are pretty simple. there's challenges, yes. but that's because of my lack of motivation. i bet if i started to do my work, i wouldn't feel like i had to try so hard. but besides that, i don't really have any friends in my classes. its really starting to dawn on me how i honestly have no friends my own age. sure, there's a few kids in my grade that i get along with exceptionally well, but i see them only so many times a day. the rest of my classes are spent, looking in one spot, hoping that it doesn't look like i'm staring at anyone. i hate having to constantly search for a spot to look at, without having to see someone's face in the way. no one's making an effort to befriend me, and honestly, i don't think i'm up for making friends. i have older friends. ones that are on their way to graduating. but i only see them at lunch. and lunch is a measly 30 minutes. and even then, i feel a bit distant. everyone is engaged in their conversation. i throw in a few comments, but most of the time, i find myself just listening and laughing so it seems like i'm apart of the group. but its just awkward. i feel annoying trying to talk to them. as if they don't want to talk to me, but they're just tolerating my presence. i know that probably isn't true, but that's how i feel the majority of the time. i always feel like nobody likes me, they're only pretending to because they're too afraid to just drop me. maybe i'm just being stupid, i don't know. right now, there's only 2 people in my life that i can fully trust and can honestly say, like me. but for some reason, i just feel more confident with the group. they're looked upon as, i guess you could say, the unique/popular kids. when i'm with them, i feel like people aren't judging me, but wishing to talk to me. ha, talk about conceited. but eh. when i'm with the 2 loyal people, i feel comfortable, but i can't help but feel like people are talking shit. ugh, but whatever. hopefully, things will get better later in the year. right now, i'm just awkward and confused.

there's a lot of things on my mind. i wish it were still summer so i'd have time to think things through and feel at peace. but now that school has started, i feel rushed. like there's always something expected out of me. i really just need to stop being lazy and do my work. i need to stop worrying about everyone else's eyes. i need to get my shit straight.

i've been so stressed about everything. my dad is constantly getting on my nerves. i swear, the next time he mentions college, i'm going to flip my shit and karate chop his ass. i can't see myself going to college. there are other things that i want to do, but i don't have the courage to tell my dad so. after all this talk, i'm pretty sure he won't approve. i'm not gonna lie, i'm pretty scared. i'm afraid that i won't ever say anything. that i'll end up going to college and wasting my time to become something that i'm not fully interested in. i don't know how this is all going to work out. i can't just get up and leave once i get my diploma. i can't just not fill out the applications my dad's going to be throwing at me, without saying anything. as much as i want to just get up and leave, i don't know if i can. i'm always depending on other people to do things for me. i can't even set up appointments to the fucking hair dresser. i can't do a lot of things alone. but we'll see where things take me in the future. for now, i think i'll just worry my ass off.

xox.

-a.