nostalgia.

i remember staring out the window of the bus.

and he was too, on another bus.

they crossed each other, and there was a brief moment of staring.

and then he smiled and laughed and i did the same in return.

i really miss him.

it's memories like these that lead me to believe that he really

was my friend. and my tears weren't just some form of wanting attention.

xox.

-a.

you are my sunshine.

whenever i listen to this, it brings back memories of driving to big top with a car full of friends.

i think that was when 'you are my sunshine' just came out.

i really miss those times. when i had a circle of inseparable friends.

but now we've all just gone our separate ways.

i would love to go back, but the people i use to know are so different now.

a lot of things are different. i guess i'm still getting use to it.

but for now, this album will be my portal to old memories.

best ever.

don't ever lose touch.

so today, my mom talked to her brother on the phone. it's insane to me. i know nothing about anyone on my mom's side. after my family moved to america, we lost all communication. numbers, locations, birthdays; fuck, just everything. i don't even know the names of my mom's brothers and sisters. i've never met them either. sunhee is over in korea right now, and she helped my mom to somehow get my uncle's number. wow, that's so fucking weird. i've only been able to imagine having one uncle, when in fact, i have about 5 or maybe even a few more. my mom was also informed that her mother died a year and 4 months ago. it's really sad how she didn't get to attend to funeral and even know about it. i don't know about you, but i'd hate to miss someone's funeral. but either way, she was really happy that she finally got to talk to him. life is so insane. it's been, what, 20 years without communication? and everything just came back into place with the press of a button. but i've come to realize, that not everyone has this type of luck. not everyone is fortunate enough to be 'reunited' with people they've forgotten. and because of this, i don't ever want to lose touch with the people that matter most. when i'm older and moving about, i know no one is going to follow me. but that doesn't mean i want to just drop whoever has been true to me and replace them. nope. i really love the people that are in my life. i hope that they'll always be there. i refuse to let anyone slip away that shouldn't have. never again.

ANYWAY, i'm really craving triple chunk brownies and chocolate chip cookies. i hope i can bake this week. haha.

also,

i've been listening to a lot of songs from my elementary days. ya know, just being nostalgic... or maybe i'm just afraid to listen to newer stuff because i don't know the words >.> but as i was saying, i've been listening to some old stuff, and i came across this cover. i was expecting a deeper voice, and then he pulled a fucking tom delonge on me. but i really love this song, so posttttt to make this blog long as fuck.

hi, my name is ashley and so far, only extremely desperate/persistent guys are attracted to me.

i'm going to be a eunuch. praise da lawd.

oh and also, i think i'm going to drop kick one of my teachers. or whoever the fuck set up my schedule. i'm tired of this ap track shit. i'd rather have intensive reading with a bunch of dumb ass kids. which is saying a lot.

xox.

-a.

i find it easier to be blunt with myself. i feel better about things when i am. no false dreams or things to look forward to. i can just focus on what's going on now. i enjoy that.

i've been listening to a lot of middle school/elementary songs. i really miss sugarcult and all that insane stuff that i listened to when i was 10. i'm also getting interested in a lot of folkish/indie stuff. lots of female vocals. i kinda dig it. there isn't much to say. i think i'm slowly getting back into doing everything for school... when it's supposed to be done. i just wanna get out as fast as possible, doing the best that i can. then i'm off. i can only hope for the best. but i'm trying not to think about all of that. at the moment, i don't think my future is very stable. and thinking about it is only going to fuck up my mind and mood. i'm hoping to start stretching my ears again within the next week or so. i miss my lobeys. i look weird without them. ah that's about it.

xox.

-a.

that's it.

i cannot wait to get out of this fucking house.

i don't need you.

i think i've made the decision to not go through with college. it's a lot of money, and it's money that i don't have. my dad's been saving for a long time, but i refuse to get any help from him. i don't want it at all. even now, years later, my dad still talks about how he wasted 6 grand on my brothers for school. he calls them constantly, expecting them to lend him money when he needs it. seriously? it's so ridiculous. they owe him absolutely nothing. i think they fell into the same pressure that i've felt. always coming home to hear about how we need our education and blah blah blah. it's the point where i feel i have no control of my life at all. i don't want to keep contact with him when i get out. he's always leaving messages to robert, telling him to call. honestly, he doesn't need to call you just to tell you how he's doing. if he wanted to, he would. if i were him, i'd change my damn number. i owe my father absolutely nothing. he may have provided me with shelter and food, but i'd be better off getting that somewhere else. there is no such thing as freedom here. i'm realizing that. after hearing all my friends talk about hanging out and whatnot, i realized i can't do any of those things. i have restrictions. i'm being treated like a fucking criminal when i've done nothing wrong. i'm so sick of it. so fucking sick.