that's it.

i cannot wait to get out of this fucking house.

i don't need you.

i think i've made the decision to not go through with college. it's a lot of money, and it's money that i don't have. my dad's been saving for a long time, but i refuse to get any help from him. i don't want it at all. even now, years later, my dad still talks about how he wasted 6 grand on my brothers for school. he calls them constantly, expecting them to lend him money when he needs it. seriously? it's so ridiculous. they owe him absolutely nothing. i think they fell into the same pressure that i've felt. always coming home to hear about how we need our education and blah blah blah. it's the point where i feel i have no control of my life at all. i don't want to keep contact with him when i get out. he's always leaving messages to robert, telling him to call. honestly, he doesn't need to call you just to tell you how he's doing. if he wanted to, he would. if i were him, i'd change my damn number. i owe my father absolutely nothing. he may have provided me with shelter and food, but i'd be better off getting that somewhere else. there is no such thing as freedom here. i'm realizing that. after hearing all my friends talk about hanging out and whatnot, i realized i can't do any of those things. i have restrictions. i'm being treated like a fucking criminal when i've done nothing wrong. i'm so sick of it. so fucking sick.

breathe.

today has been, i guess, easy for me. no pressure from school. the work wasn't a challenge, not that it ever was. i haven't done my homework, but its so simple. i'd rather do it in the morning.

and i'm not stressing out about it. i just feel good. at peace. maybe it's just because i'm listening to afx, haha. not sure, but it doesn't make a difference. i just feel content.

i haven't thought about much today. thinking tends to happen when i'm upset. so i guess that makes me, un-upset. :) but i have been thinking about school though. even though i detest the idea of learning beyond high school, i have considered it. but i don't know. there is nothing in my heart that attracts the idea of college to me. but who knows, maybe whatever i want to happen, won't. and i'll go to college and become something totally different. i'm not sure. what i do know is, that i haven't made a clear decision. though my heart and mind are siding with the west coast, it might not remain the same in a few years. i wish my dad would stop telling me to prepare now. he's acting as though i'm not allowed to do anything but read and study. i would gladly kick him in the face if given the chance to. i hate being pressured to be and do something that i'm not completely comfortable with. i don't like how he compares me to some cousin that i don't even know. just because she's planning ahead to do whatever, doesn't mean i have to. i honestly believe that maybe i'd be more active in school and what not if he didn't bother me so much about it. rebellion is my favorite game. i hate doing good things and having him think i only did them just because he mentioned it. my decisions are mine alone. everything he says, i've already decided upon. i'm not stupid. nor have i ever acted like i was. i am not influenced by anything but myself. i wish i could shove that idea up his ass so he would get it. anyway, i need to stop worrying about him. but the time i'm out of this house, i'll be bald.

bleh. i'm also being faced with problems among my friends. none of them like one of my best friends. and its only because of the way she dresses. its ridiculous. i didn't eat lunch with them because i was with her. i wish everyone would just accept each other. i don't wanna be some kid in a clique. i enjoy the fact that i have a diverse selection of people to talk to. i just wish they all could just see each other as souls. they're all the same. but whatever. i'm trying not to care so much. i just hate having to choose between who i can sit by and who i can't talk to and blah blah blah. high school is ridiculous. when i'm on my own, i'm going to make sure i can count all my friends on one hand. i want them to be real and close. yeah.

that's about it.

xox.

-a.

consecutive.

i've had this urge to start blogging daily. just about everything that's going on in my mind.

i just didn't know where to. i was hoping there was some crazy amazing site that i could

make an account on, but there isn't one that i haven't heard of... yet. i was thinking about using

this, but i wasn't sure. but i have been neglecting this site a bit. and i'm sure i'm the only one

actually looking at it, so why not?

hmmmm where to start? at the moment, i can't think of anything witty or interesting to say to open this. i'll just be blunt. so it is now the 30th of august. and i've officially been attending school for a week. it's been okay. i'm finding that lately, i've been feeling very awkward. i feel like everyone's eyes are on me. though i'm certain that they're not. but i can't help but be stiff and seem uncaring so no one can make an opinion about me; ya know, if they happen to look my way. honestly, i'm really dreading school. its not fun. i mean, i've never looked at school as some kind of adventure, but i expect it to have some life to it. my classes are pretty simple. there's challenges, yes. but that's because of my lack of motivation. i bet if i started to do my work, i wouldn't feel like i had to try so hard. but besides that, i don't really have any friends in my classes. its really starting to dawn on me how i honestly have no friends my own age. sure, there's a few kids in my grade that i get along with exceptionally well, but i see them only so many times a day. the rest of my classes are spent, looking in one spot, hoping that it doesn't look like i'm staring at anyone. i hate having to constantly search for a spot to look at, without having to see someone's face in the way. no one's making an effort to befriend me, and honestly, i don't think i'm up for making friends. i have older friends. ones that are on their way to graduating. but i only see them at lunch. and lunch is a measly 30 minutes. and even then, i feel a bit distant. everyone is engaged in their conversation. i throw in a few comments, but most of the time, i find myself just listening and laughing so it seems like i'm apart of the group. but its just awkward. i feel annoying trying to talk to them. as if they don't want to talk to me, but they're just tolerating my presence. i know that probably isn't true, but that's how i feel the majority of the time. i always feel like nobody likes me, they're only pretending to because they're too afraid to just drop me. maybe i'm just being stupid, i don't know. right now, there's only 2 people in my life that i can fully trust and can honestly say, like me. but for some reason, i just feel more confident with the group. they're looked upon as, i guess you could say, the unique/popular kids. when i'm with them, i feel like people aren't judging me, but wishing to talk to me. ha, talk about conceited. but eh. when i'm with the 2 loyal people, i feel comfortable, but i can't help but feel like people are talking shit. ugh, but whatever. hopefully, things will get better later in the year. right now, i'm just awkward and confused.

there's a lot of things on my mind. i wish it were still summer so i'd have time to think things through and feel at peace. but now that school has started, i feel rushed. like there's always something expected out of me. i really just need to stop being lazy and do my work. i need to stop worrying about everyone else's eyes. i need to get my shit straight.

i've been so stressed about everything. my dad is constantly getting on my nerves. i swear, the next time he mentions college, i'm going to flip my shit and karate chop his ass. i can't see myself going to college. there are other things that i want to do, but i don't have the courage to tell my dad so. after all this talk, i'm pretty sure he won't approve. i'm not gonna lie, i'm pretty scared. i'm afraid that i won't ever say anything. that i'll end up going to college and wasting my time to become something that i'm not fully interested in. i don't know how this is all going to work out. i can't just get up and leave once i get my diploma. i can't just not fill out the applications my dad's going to be throwing at me, without saying anything. as much as i want to just get up and leave, i don't know if i can. i'm always depending on other people to do things for me. i can't even set up appointments to the fucking hair dresser. i can't do a lot of things alone. but we'll see where things take me in the future. for now, i think i'll just worry my ass off.

xox.

-a.

empty fingers. just air.

skin is wetter in my mind

than it is in my eyes

the road is slippery

but my tiny feet will not fall under it.

though i convinced myself to believe it.

there is filth in my veins,

my young wrinkles

susuwatari have not slipped through the door

self-inflicted black dust

clouds precipitated dirt

and with willing fingers

i caught them

absorbed into my pores

eradicate such pollution

but i grip

and cannot let go.

stuck to me like honey

i sipped the sweet nectar

and felt no regret.

i'm a fucking mess.

leaving the jounal in the draw.

flashed with golden lights and sounds

i can only envision and pretend

her sweet milky skin

against his soft glowing skin

heart upon heart

and they are beautiful

praying to the stars to be in her shell

envious and ashamed

the burning sting is undeniable

and only they feel it.

when the sky darkens

i float to a place

where i feel her ghosts

their ghosts

convincing myself that the steam is cool enough to touch

it is misty fog and i am unafraid

but i know my fingers are red

and nothing but my slumber can soothe it.

only time can heal it.

what is meant to happen

will happen.

I'm a very sad person.

But no one knows.