STOP EATING.

i want to be a poet.

an author

a writer

a musician

an expresser of thoughts.

i want to pull inspiration from anything and everything.

the smallest things will create my greatest works of art.

i dream a lot.

i wish a lot.

i want so many things.

at the moment, i don't have much.

just an idea.

i want the clouds to be my home.

with my 50 foot ceilings

and my dome tent

i want to live inside my mind

i have too many fears

and i am lost in them too deep to even think

to move and do

i don't talk to myself enough

i need to move forward and run towards what i want and need most

i want a beautiful life

with beautiful people

and talks

and voices

and sounds

i want to be content within my walls

within this skin

worry will be beyond me

nirvana, please wait for me.

i don't need anymore stress. none of this shit would've never happened if you had been the father you were supposed to be. either this is just the result of having a dumbass kid or rebellion gone wrong. either way, i can't handle it. i already have all this shit going on with school, and you're always breathing down my neck to get me to do perfect. i just can't do this shit anymore. i need to get out of this house and away from all this. fuck it, you guys can all just kill yourselves with your problems but i'm not gonna do it. it's only me and that's the end of it.

nostalgia.

i remember staring out the window of the bus.

and he was too, on another bus.

they crossed each other, and there was a brief moment of staring.

and then he smiled and laughed and i did the same in return.

i really miss him.

it's memories like these that lead me to believe that he really

was my friend. and my tears weren't just some form of wanting attention.

xox.

-a.

you are my sunshine.

whenever i listen to this, it brings back memories of driving to big top with a car full of friends.

i think that was when 'you are my sunshine' just came out.

i really miss those times. when i had a circle of inseparable friends.

but now we've all just gone our separate ways.

i would love to go back, but the people i use to know are so different now.

a lot of things are different. i guess i'm still getting use to it.

but for now, this album will be my portal to old memories.

best ever.

don't ever lose touch.

so today, my mom talked to her brother on the phone. it's insane to me. i know nothing about anyone on my mom's side. after my family moved to america, we lost all communication. numbers, locations, birthdays; fuck, just everything. i don't even know the names of my mom's brothers and sisters. i've never met them either. sunhee is over in korea right now, and she helped my mom to somehow get my uncle's number. wow, that's so fucking weird. i've only been able to imagine having one uncle, when in fact, i have about 5 or maybe even a few more. my mom was also informed that her mother died a year and 4 months ago. it's really sad how she didn't get to attend to funeral and even know about it. i don't know about you, but i'd hate to miss someone's funeral. but either way, she was really happy that she finally got to talk to him. life is so insane. it's been, what, 20 years without communication? and everything just came back into place with the press of a button. but i've come to realize, that not everyone has this type of luck. not everyone is fortunate enough to be 'reunited' with people they've forgotten. and because of this, i don't ever want to lose touch with the people that matter most. when i'm older and moving about, i know no one is going to follow me. but that doesn't mean i want to just drop whoever has been true to me and replace them. nope. i really love the people that are in my life. i hope that they'll always be there. i refuse to let anyone slip away that shouldn't have. never again.

ANYWAY, i'm really craving triple chunk brownies and chocolate chip cookies. i hope i can bake this week. haha.

also,

i've been listening to a lot of songs from my elementary days. ya know, just being nostalgic... or maybe i'm just afraid to listen to newer stuff because i don't know the words >.> but as i was saying, i've been listening to some old stuff, and i came across this cover. i was expecting a deeper voice, and then he pulled a fucking tom delonge on me. but i really love this song, so posttttt to make this blog long as fuck.